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Jul. 6th, 2011

Currently impatiently waiting to get my CRC back from the FBI; you would think that having recently had a check, it would go faster, as I had been cleared. I suppose it could also work against me, seeing as how I did indeed have one recently... I'm wanting this back so fast simply so I can send in all my documents to EPIK! Having passed the interview, now I simply need to get in all my docs as soon as possible so I can be guaranteed a good placement, or rather, a placement of my choice. While I did apply for SMOE, and sent in what I think is a rather interesting lesson plan on homophones, homonyms, and homographs, I'm actually kind of interested in being placed in a coastal city, such as Ulsan or the like. Plus, it's not like it's too far away from Seoul: possibly a 3 hour train in? I'm guessing here, but I think it may be interesting to live somewhere outside Seoul, plus I would love being located near the sea! Anyhow, none of this will come to fruition if I don't get my CRC back soon! I'm hoping within the next two weeks something will turn up! If only EPIK would approve of a CRC completed within less than a year but longer than 6 months, though I do understand their reasoning!


So...I am feeling quite useless right now. As of this very moment, and for a bit before. Wow, trying saying that 5 times fast. Actually, I suppose it'd be quite easy... That's just it, when I feel useless, I no longer make any sense whatsoever.

As to why I feel useless: I recently applied to EPIK, which is the English Program in Korea. I didn't pass the initial screening stage. Seeing as how being rejected for this program, and quite recently the JET program as well, I'm starting to think that there is something wrong with me as a person. But! This feeling doesn't stem from just these two rejections, but also from other areas.

In case you didn't know, I am now, as of May 2011, a certified teacher, holding a Bachelor's degree in Fine Arts and a Master's in Education. Hence, I thought I would be well certified and capable of teaching others in many disciplines, including English. I am fascinated with writing, though it may not seem like it due to my lack of using this journal. I used to love writing, and write very well, if I may say so without sounding conceited. So I thought, surely, I can get accepted into these programs...


Apparently, I do not perform well in regards to writing acceptable essays. I think of essays as somewhat boring and stagnant, as I am used to reading essays on how best to overcome learning barriers in the classroom or essays on how teaching art comes is stigmatized, all of which are interesting, but somewhat boring. Hence, my essay style is also somewhat stagnant. I realize this, but am unable to "spice" things up when it comes to the proofreading/editing stage. I've consulted friends and co-workers, but overall, there are no suggestions.

So in the end, I'm rejected, and thus comes with rejection the feeling of being useless or dejected. I honestly wanted to participate in both programs. I love the idea of teaching English to others, I simply love the idea of teaching. I want to help others know something or become better at something, whatever it may be. I cherish the thought of helping others and making them happy or excited when their learning is affirmed. I love the smiles on students faces when they get an answer correct, and my heart drops if they become sad when the answer is incorrect. To which, by the way, I try my hardest to encourage them and give them other ways to remember the information. To be able to see these things gives me a reason to think taht I was indeed put on this Earth for a purpose. While I know that all this could be accomplished here in the US, I honestly, sincerely, and heart-achingly wanted to go to either Japan or Korea to teach. Especially Korea, because I was born there, but know nothing of the place. I was adopted into a Caucasian family here in the US when I was an infant, so of course I would want to travel there someday. And what better way to travel there and expand upon my life experiences than to teach there?! But sadly, that is not to be.

Therefore, useless. I feel absolutely useless. Between not having a real teaching job in the US just yet (my state is cutting back on teachers of all disciplines, so of course the most limited subject matter is Art), and getting rejected by two different programs, I feel absolutely useless.

Sorry for the long and seemingly random post.


I would really, truly, honestly love to learn Korean and Japanese. It makes me very sad that I don't know it...what a short post. I need to use this space as was previously intended really, but eh, oh well.


It's kind of crazy. I haven't posted on this thing for quite some time. Many, many things in my life has changed. I graduated from college with my BFA for one thing, then got a job as a graphic designer. Now, I'm back in school working on Master's in Education, of all things. Josh and I had moved in together for a while, then we broke up as we were simply heading in different directions, which I think is best for us. We still talk, still have sex, still love each other, but not to the same extent that we used to. We're there for each other, and share the support that only two people who have gone through a lot in 8 years together can.

Looking back at my last entry, it's hard to believe that I was once capable of writing something that, in some lines, seems vaguely poetic, in a stream of consciousness type of writing. I do miss being able to do that. So, I've decided that I'm going to try and get back into that. I miss writing, but my life as of now consists of writing only papers and lesson plans. I feel that I spent a large part of my life in writing out thoughts before I drew them, and now feel that I should regress. I don't know if I miss writing or not, I just know that sometimes, the power of words, or the lack of imagery, is the only way I may be able to think through things. I've missed the world of words, and somehow I feel and am afraid that I have lost my hold on on them; I am afraid that I will get lost.


So, it's been a long time...

No offense to LJ but I also have a myspace page. It's not that important though. I've thought about posting on either one, and just copying and pasting, yet never have. Oh well.

Not much has gone on. I'm broke, like usual. Which really sucks considering that I start classes again on Tuesday. Damn. So, I can only buy the art supplies that are absolutely, direly needed. Which in the end amounts to Rives BFK and litho stuff. Damn again. No fun extra stuff, like handmade paper...that someone else made, b/c mine always turns out shitty.

I've thought about leaving.

And it scares me that I've been in school this long, on the verge of graduation, and yet I still have no idea as to what I'm going to do about anything, or why I am an art major at all; I don't like what I do, and I have yet to find happiness in it. It used to be fun, and now it just seems tedious.

Saintly is the person who accepts me.

To be let down.

It's late at night, or early in the morning. I was looking at various things, images, pictures, going past my eyes into an endless void of the back of my mind thinking nothing except that I don't feel like reading at this moment. I realized I haven't posted in a long time. I heard from Josh his arm is still hurting and he can't go to sleep. I don't have to be at work until 1 pm. Ass he says. Contemplating whether or not I should email my old english professor thanking him for introducing me to Dostoevsky. Then I realize that this guy who was in that class with me (which I dropped well within 2-3 months) is also in some of my other classes now and wonder if he realizes it too though it doesn't really matter, I don't really know him anyhow. Brandon laughed at me day before yesterday for saying not bendy as I couldn't think of inflexible. We all get that way at times though I hope at least. I can't make up my mind as to whether I should stay with Josh or let him go and live his own life. I am often afraid that I am too dependent on him. He feeds the fire under my bad habits. I sit here looking at my screen hitting the backspace key often and often multiple times within a single word wishing I was smoking a cigarette and lying in my bed only to know that if I did that I would only lie there with a feeling that I wish I was doing something else. I feel like I am not faithful I feel like I am deceiving myself and others I feel stupid. There was a slow train (or what I thought was going to be a train but the train never came)the poles came down I was three cars back from the tracks and I thought of getting out of the car and standing on the tracks because I had never been hit by a train. I am often afraid to speak aloud out of fear of saying something quite stupid. I feel like I should let Josh go and let him enjoy a life he doesn't know when he's with me because he is with me I feel like I should let him be and yet I am too much of a fucking coward to do so and yet I love him and want him to go away all at once I don't ask to be loved and yet he stares at me and laughs this great laugh he has no more funny stories as I am always there I feel like I need to go away. What use is this life when all there is is the monotony of my own existence replaying itself like a bad record and skipping all the way through your favorite song? I feel like I am not happy. My brain is tired and yet the thoughts keep pouring out random useless shit these thoughts are and all the worms are dead.


I realize I bitch waayyyy too much on this thing. I think, though, that was the primary reason for starting it. I realize I kind of have no right to bitch about things such as school and all, yet what I do is difficult enough for me. I realize I know some people who do a hell of a lot more than I, so it does make me feel bad. I am sorry. I just really don't like where I am at in my life right now.

I get this weird feeling like I am this complete outsider in the entirety of the art dept. and its students. I always see people walking around, saying hi to each other, talking about if they are going to go to this thing or not. I know that sort of stuff shouldn't bother me, but I had always had this romanticized notion of what it would be like in college. I felt that maybe I would finally have a place to belong, yet here I am in my sr yr, and I don't. I (very paranoid like) feel that people befriend me only on the outside, then go to these gatherings and even in class, and talk about me and how I am soo not with it. I must be stupid for ever thinking I could actually have friends that could seriously be my friend both in and outside of school.

I don't need anyone. Fuck this life.

On the downside, and on an ironical note, one of my best friends I've known since high school was shot the other day, Wednesday. He's in the ICU right now, and when I first heard about it, my friend Brandon called and told me during a class. Needless to say, I did NOT attend my BFA Concentration review class. I was WAY too upset, and was trying hard enough to not cry in the hallway. My friend, though, is doing fine and in stable condition. I love him to death. I am VERY glad I wasn't there when it happened. I would be in jail for murder right now. I am way too emotional and impulsive to have not killed the guy right then and there. I haven't found out who it was or anything, and don't intend to, as it would lead to trouble for all the guys and myself. Funny thing though, and this is just like my friend, when Josh and I and about 4 or 5 other people all started walking in to go visit him Wednesday, he just looked up and said, "Holy Shit." I love that guy. The end.

Fun stuff...

So here I am, in the art lab, working on animation and about to work on some printmaking too.

Does it never end?

I've gotta keep in mind that all this is for a reason, cause if I don't, I might just go insane, might just go insane, might just go insane.

If you are already slightly off kilter, do you think you would realize it? Or would you just continue on in life never really knowing the difference? Does it really even matter? I don't think it does.

Classes are killing me. I've run into that artist's block, it being this huge wall that is mightily expansive in all directions, full force. I am lying on the ground and I have yet to get up and walk off. I have yet to get up. I think taking all these studios isn't helping. I have so much I have to come up with that I just basically can't think of anything at all.

I've noticed that I think I am finally getting seriously tired. If I don't take a Stacker 3 XPLC to help keep me awake, I want to sleep. All the time. Maybe I have mono again and just haven't noticed because I have been taking so many damn artificial stimulants. I don't quite know.

It doesn't really matter. Nothing really matters anymore. It doesn't matter.

Emo Kid

You are 14% Rational, 42% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 14% Arrogant.

You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even makes Jesus puke. If you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy lines about depression, sadness, and other such redundant states of emo-being. Your personality is defective because you are too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself, decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a bit too inhibited.

I probably made you cry, didn't I? Fucking Emo Kid.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.


Your exact opposite is the Smartass.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hippie, the Televangelist, and the Starving Artist.



If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 3% on Rationality
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You scored higher than 44% on Extroversion
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You scored higher than 50% on Brutality
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You scored higher than 6% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid

The Exotic Lover

45% partner focus, 47% aggressiveness, 95% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:

You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.

This places you in the Lover Style of: The Exotic Lover.

The Exotic Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and conjures images of the exotic, romantic hero out of a romance novel, or perhaps a slightly dangerous and deadly sexy femme fatale from a noir mystery. The Exotic Lover loves pleasure and is a treasure to date, though it can be difficult to do so because they sometimes tend to be mysterious and reluctant to commit.

In terms of physical love, the Exotic Lover can be quite surprising, as they are often more exciting and adventurous than predicted. Given a little freedom, and the right lover, the Exotic Lover can be a delight in bed.

Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Liberated Lover (most of all) or the Devoted Lover, or the Romantic Lover.


If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following:

Nerds, Geeks & Dorks

Professional Wrestling

Buffy the Vampire Slayer



My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 18% on partner focus
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You scored higher than 36% on aggressiveness
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You scored higher than 98% on adventurousness

Link: The Lover Style Profile Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Sep. 26th, 2005

INFJ - the counselor

You scored 27% I to E, 10% N to S, 9% F to T, and 47% J to P!

Your type is best summed up by the word "counselor", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. Only 2% of the population share your type. You are so empathic that you often know what others need before they know themselves. You are a complex person who can deal with complicated issues and people, almost prefer to, as you love problem solving. You can be something of an idealist or perfectionist, and should try to take yourself a little less seriously.

You are a supportive and insightful romantic partner, encouraging your mate to have dreams and work hard to make those dreams come true. Because you are so creative, you have a wealth of ideas to help them toward those goals. You need harmony so much that you are driven to resolve conflict quickly, as long as the terms don't violate your ethics. You feel the most appreciated when your partner admires your creativity, trusts your inspirations, and respects your values. It is also vitally important that your partner be open and emotionally available - in other words, that they be willing to share themselves completely.

Your group summary: idealists (NF)

Your type summary: INFJ

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 26% on I to E
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You scored higher than 3% on N to S
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You scored higher than 6% on F to T
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You scored higher than 52% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on OkCupid Free Online Dating

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